News Recap

8th July 2005

KUMARA NEWS UPDATE

,,,,,,,,OLD BAND NEW TRICKS ALERT!
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80's indie band Bird Nest Roys once accused of being "more of a party than a band" have reformed and plan to climb to the top of the heap.
Singer and bastard Big Ross says that they:
"want to become the biggest band in New Zealand"
But....not in terms of "pop stardom", in terms of weight.
Williams leads the weight charge and claims his belly now weighs in at more than his whole body used to.

"I look at myself in those days and see a pretzel, not a man. I was insignificant."

The band know that they face stiff competition from polynesions who have long understood the nutritional value of KFC.
To reflect their new found focus they release a single this week called "Super Size Us" out on the, archival fantasy label "Flying On (and on)".
When asked why they are keen to embark on such a task Williams answered -

"A lot of bands have dreams, but we have nightmares"

.......LLAP-GOGH MASTER TOURS NEW ZEALAND
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Internationally feared right wing, feminist, gun-toting contradiction Tammy Bruce flew into New Zealand this week for a series of speaking engagements. Kumara News believes that Bruce a secret member of the ancient welsh discipline Llap-Gogh which uses unprovoked attack as a system of defence. Our theories are based upon the views Bruce maintains in her books and on her website. She strongly advocates that the best way to achieve peace is with guns and weapons and praises the work of George W Bush in invading Iraq.
Tammy Bruce makes the fascinating claim that countries without handguns are the most dangerous in the world and that guns serve to keep governments "honest".
"Tianamen square would not have happened had the people been armed!" she ranted boorishly on 'Close-up' last night.

Bruce demonstrated the more subtle use of Llap-Gogh when she conducted a press conference armed with an Uzzi 9mm and a AK 79.
A more amiable and passive range of questions I have rarely seen.
"what shade of khaki is that top you have on? ..because it looks exquisite on you..." etc

Many of those in the crowd wore flak jackets with the word peace emblazoned next to an icon of a gun. When I arrived in my tank to ask some more difficult questions my entrance was delayed by the threat of a first strike attack on mainland New Zealand. The tension was eventually defused when a white dove flew into the room and was peacefully mowed down by her personal array of weapons.
In the ensuing laughter Bruce said she wanted a mexican standoff. I informed her we dont really have those here but that I would try to order her an indian one.
.................................MIDLER MURDER MAGIC
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"The Day the Music Died" a new movie by director Quentin Tarantino is a smash hit even before it's release. The movie stars Barbara Streisand and Bette Midler as jewish twins who form a duo to win "Americans Middle Aged Popstars". Their performance features a virtuoso singing display featuring every known note and discovering a few more along the way. The pair are stalked by an "actual" music fan who eventually kills them to become a national hero.

Streisand: never forgiven for Yentl.

The story is narrated by the stalker Ethan Lovejoy (Sean Penn)as he waits to die on the electric chair. Several music legends wage a campaign to have Lovejoys sentence reduced to a more minor death sentence. The music stars - James Brown(Samuel Jackson), Bob Dylan(David Kilgour)and Michael Jackson claim Lovejoy acted for the general sanity of the people of the world and out of a genuine love for music. Jackson is portrayed in the movie by Natalie Portman, in a stand out performance.

Advance sales for the movie are astronomical with people selling their childrens organs to get tickets.
A pirated copy of a scene where Midler is murdered has been the most popular download in the history of the internet.

In the scene, Midler is singing her trademark song where, at it's climax, every glass in the room breaks and peoples teeth even explode. In a homage to Alfred Hitchcock's "The Man Who Knew Too Much" Tarantino uses this moment to mask Lovejoys deadly bullet.
Following the assasination Lovejoy escapes successfully and flees the scene at high speed in a red Pontiac, smoking "P", babbling hipply in 'negro' and listening to the song "Were all going on a summer holiday" by Sir Cliff Richard.

The Raygunn band site (permanent link left column) features an experimental song "Raygun" available exclusively to The Jimi Page readers for download and earing (a brand new word exclusive to TJP!).
Please give us your (howling) feedback and we will put it in the song.