TV

16 Feb 2006

............... ..KUMARA NEWS....................
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..............FOSSILS FUEL CALLS FOR CHANGE TO TV...........
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......................."'ere. Where's that bleedin' remote?"


Yesterdays announcement calling for a shake up of Television has been followed up by a press conference at the the Ponsonby Bowling club. The venue was chosen because it's facilities are better suited to the elderly.
It was a chance for the infirm and uninformed to bang their hands on the podium of New Zealand public life in frustration.
"Weve had enough" said the octagarian.
"I thought we didn't have enough" said the pensioner.
"When does the bar open?" said former Governor General Cath Tizard.
And so began the most long winded and also short winded debate ever, on the state of our TV programmes.
"There's nothing decent on anymore. Everyone is saying so"
"Give the people what they want!"
Joe Atkinson lecturer on TV studies said.
"You mean, give the people what YOU want."
At which point an elderly man shouted.
"Bastard! I didn't fight in two world wars..."
Their was then a minor fracas as the advocates for change vented spleen. Eventually order was restored.. During the outburst it was revealed that Sir Edmund Hillary had conquered everything but his remote, and had never watched a channel other than TV One. When they were quizzed on what they thought they would like to see on our screens there was no consensus, although they all agreed it would be something British and stood for a rousing version of "God Save The Queen".
"We want a return to quality TV programmes like "Are You Being Served"
said a spokesman.
At that point Broadcast Minister Steve Maharey arrived and slid into the room on the slick of his own glib rhetoric.
"I've come to give you an offhand commitment to send the ideas and indeed ideals, of this group to a select commitee. In so doing it will enter the labyrinthine corridors of bureaucracy which are kafkaesque both in their pointlessness and complexity.."
Confusion and muted clapping.
Then Dame Cath said."W**ker!"
Maharey continued, condescending to use common english.
"What about a geriactric channel?"
clapping.
"Now your talking.."
"It can have a cooking show for kiwis. A simple one. called "The Edmonds Cookbook" .
Episode 1 can be "Fun with Scones".
The group erupted into cheering..
"and it can have a show fronted by Sir Howard Morrison, which will be light entertainment"
"Very light on entertainment indeed"
"and he can get young people on and tell them they're fat"
The crowd was ecstatic.
Dame Malvina Major said.
"No one can do that like Sir Howard can. Who else could front such a show?"
From the back of the room; the unmistakable sound of feathers being ruffled. Someone was clearing their throat.
It was Paul Homes.
"I think you, my core demographic, are forgetting about me"
He rose from his chair with exaggerated gravitas, but was barely taller than when he was sitting down.
Temuera Morrison then said." Bro I heard Sky TV are in negotiations to buy an aircraft hangar to keep your ego in.."
laughs.
"Cheekie darkie.."
"You all know my credentials and here.."
Holmes produces a cassette player.
"Listen to this. It's me waxing lyrical from my show this morning about the Bali nine"
His voice continues on the tape machine..
." ........ John Howard that brilliant man put it exactly right when he said 'I dont care about the bali nine. I care a bout their Parents'..
yes.. their parents. Imagine it ...
and I can because I have stared into the face of despair, into the mascara laden eyes of Rosalee Corby, the Mother of that innocent girl Shapelle.
Yes, I have seen the despair there. Imagine it. It would be like.. well, like carrying around a small fridge on your back....."

The fridge. Ideal to keep your despair in.

Holmes then clicked the machine off like he had made his point.
An aged dignitary stood up and said. "Were getting off track. Damn that midget! We need to give the TV back to the people!"
Joe Atkinson spoke again.
"Dont the ratings tell you what the people want to see? They want to see "Celebrity Treasure Island". They dont want to see some BBC documentary"
"Thats rubbish! I was at my mobility scooter anger management course the other day and the verdict was unanimous. TV has gone downhill. it's on the slippery slope. My god. Adults watching cartoons .. what next.."
"here..here.."
Steve Maharey mentioned "Bro Town" for the 15th time and then a resoltion was passed to hold a 'bottle drive'and a bring-and-buy for the cause. The group also agreed to meet again in two weeks (Ladies bring a plate).
Eventually a representitive of TVNZ arrived and simply plugged in a TV which played some of the shows that had been mooted earlier. As Close to Home and Gallery played the mood in the group changed and when an episode of "Mc Phail and Gadsby" came on things turned nasty.
"They'd be buggered without Muldoon!"
Soon an ex Prime Minster declared."I prefer South Park to this crap!"
"Disband the group! Sherries all round!"
And so it was over.