Sunday, February 19, 2006

It's Alive!

11 Jan 2006
.THERE’S A NEW KID IN TOWN!
....................
........................ ..The birthing control Centre

The Jimi Page in association with Mrs K productions are proud to announce the arrival of our new child.

Mother and child: fit and well.
Father: well chuffed.
Weight: 7lb 14oz
Sex: I don’t think my wife will be keen, she’s just given birth to a baby boy.
Name: a work in progress. For the moment can be known as:- junior, the little fella..

The Gory Details

Men who are uncomfortable with ‘labour talk’ feel free to click this link which will provide a page of soothing sports gibberish, you can then join the page further down.
Women, Metrosexuals and existing fathers – read on. . .

The labour began at 5am on Sunday and finished at 5.45 pm Monday night, when the baby was born.
36 hours of pain, contractions, anxiety, pushing, walking, pacing, breathing and eventual release for Mrs K.
She was incredible and apart from a 'we are not amused' dalliance with laughing gas, she took no pain killers. She is, apparently, the talk of the hospital. At the end of the delivery the midwives paid her, what I would imagine, is their ultimate compliment;

“She’s homebirth material..”

I don’t know how women do it, it looks sooo painful. Rest assured if men had to do it, they wouldn’t. It would be an order of ‘elective caesarians all round please gov’nor’.
In the midst of the most intense part of the labour Mrs K, who had asserted that she would not scream like they do in movies, did issue a cry of pain. But, being the class act that she is, she choose an utterance, that is a timeless classic, long forgotten in the modern world.
Not for her the garish primal screams, the phrases borrowed from Tarantino movies; your ‘m@#@#$r f$%$*&rs’
No, simple, direct, effective;
“Ow” she said “Ow”.
This was no ordinary “Ow” though.
It was an ‘ow’ hissed through clenched teeth, an “OW” that raised to a cresendo, it was an “ow” that said ‘get this bloody thing out of me before I die’.
But it was an “Ow” nonetheless. What a dame! She’s all class my wife.


The actual moment of birth is indescribable. But, of course, I’ll try to describe it anyway.
“It was. . ah .. like a … umm ..I felt like err.. We ..”
No I can’t. It won’t do it justice.
Words aren’t adequate.
Maybe I can use book titles instead;

“The Agony And The Ecstasy”
“The Way Of All Flesh”
“The Son Also Rises’

OR regarding the wife;
“How To Win Friends And Influence People”

No, sorry they won’t do either.

Maybe a song title then ;
“Unforgettable.”
Yes.

The Baby - 'The Nice Man Cometh’

At a city courtroom...

Bailiff: You JAMES no-middle-name-to-mention KUMARA stand accused of being complicit in the wanton over-rating of your babies cuteness. How do you plea?
JK: Guilty of all charges your honor.
JUDGE: It a serious charge. Do you have anything to say for your self?
JK: Your honor, I plead insanity.
JUDGE: Insanity?
JK: Yes Sir. I’m just crazy about that kid.
And. . .your honor, there are attenuating circumstances.
JUDGE: Such as?
JK: Exhibit A your honor.
(produces photo and hands it to the judge)

EXHIBIT A

JUDGE: My, he is a handsome devil isn’t he?
(hands photo around court, there is much cooing and froing)
JK: exhibit B your honor

EXHIBIT B
JK: Your honor ( begins pacing around courtroom. clasps hands behind back) Did you see the paper this morning?
JUDGE: yes I did.
JK: Did you notice that the All Black captain Tana Umaga is giving up Rugby because of his family?
JUDGE: yes. Where is this leading?
JK: Well sir. If Tana Umaga can raise his family up higher than the job of All Black captain, Surely I can overate my son a bit.
With respect, your honor.
JUDGE: Of course! Yes. This case is dismissed! I sentence whoever brought this charge before the courts to two weeks hard labour or one day at an ACT conference.
BANG!
JUDGE: Bailiff slap a crap song on this story and send it to Allie Mc Beal.


It’s hard, you see, to be impartial. No parent can be with their own kid. I’m sure even the elephant mans’ parents found something to admire (‘What an adorable wee trunk!’).

While Mrs Kumara was superb, we were not without help. Our midwife, a very old friend Cheryl was amazing (she still is!) Tina, who was her second was brilliant too. We trusted them absolutely.
Our friend Nicola, who we selected to be a support person, was great too. In the end, because of the way things went we didn’t call her, but we knew she was there and she would have done anything. Which was enough.

At the moment, juniors all I can think about. Our bands playing at the Big Day Out and usually I would be excited. As it is, I have to remind myself it's on.
I will be on stage, we will go into the chorus of a song and I will play all the wrong chords. After it's finished a band member will say;
"what are you doing?!! the chords! all wrong!"
and I'll say, blank faced.
"They're only chords man, I've got a baby"
(sorry band members, just kidding. I'll play a blinder, for the boy)

So for a while the Jimi page may be emmersed in and intoxicated by baby love.
I make no apologies.
My new best friend arrived on Monday, courtesy of the miracle of childbirth, and we have some catching up to do.
There’s a lot I need to share with the little fella;
I need to tell him about - The All Blacks (‘the 1996-7 team was the best team ever, junior and I’ll tell you why…’), Captain Beefheart, My dad.
I need to introduce him to his crazy uncles from the bands I’ve been in. We have to go to yum char together. I have to show him how to launch the Kon Tiki. I have to explain why Harpo was always the funniest one in the Marx Brothers. We have to go out in his uncle, CAP’n Pete’s boat the HMS Lucinda on the Hauraki Gulf and he will realize then, why Auckland’s a great city.
But all that is a way away, for the moment we just need to get acquainted. Step by step.
We got plenty of time.

My work has already begun. I have been changing his nappies.
Last night one change took;
A whole roll of toilet paper, 3 wipe flannels (I used a new one each wipe) and two nappies before he was sorted. Today when super Cheryl arrived and changed him all she needed was one flannel.
So I have a lot to learn, and I better do it quick before I wear out the washing machine and decimate the forests of the world.

Hang on, I have to go now – cos someone requires me to stare at them for hours on end . .
And. . .
I think it’s my son!

The Author and the Angelic Upstart
"We meet at last!"

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