Engrish Specials

26 December 2005


...............You can observe a lot by just watching. . .
.................................
.................... Snoopy's Christmas - good? Bad? ugly?

It’s official. Our baby has formally rejected the baubles of Christmas and said ‘bah humbug’ to tinsel time. Perhaps it is the commercialism, the songs that appear only once a year, or maybe it just doesn’t like sausages.
That’s right dad ended up back ‘shitting on onions’ at the warehouse on Christmas eve. I was initially resolute, a stop there was not possible, then the wife said;
‘we just need a couple of things Jimi. lets go in to the red box’
‘No way!’
Said I. Putting my foot down. (quite literally. The car moved slowly but surely out of the warehouses magnetic pull)
‘Look! they have a sausage sizzle’
I was done for. The tractor beam of meat was on.

Ext Warehouse store Henderson.

Today the sizzlers had Santa hats on. The girl in attendance said they were collecting money ‘to help people who were dependent on drugs’
Wow! I’m as liberal and charitable as the next man but, shouldn't these people should pay for their own drugs?
Call me old fashioned.
And aren't there are more worthy recipients for our money?
I watch telly isn’t there ‘a little boy waiting’ somewhere?

I imagine a black child with a large belly pacing incessantly around a clay hut tapping his rolex watch;
“they’re late……again. I ‘m sick of it. . .”

At the warehouse .. They were so blatant about it too, collecting right out in the open.
I handed over my dollar.
‘Don’t spend it on ‘P’. ‘

Inside the tension is palpable. Christmas goodwill has given way to Christmas bad will. Rudeness is de rigeur. Don’t stand in the way of the determined mothers with kids in tow. If they need to get to the ‘decorations’ section move aside.
We see our midwife and her husband Tim. She stops to talk but is agitated and fidgety, shifting from foot to foot.
I am suspicious.. either she needs to go to the toilet or she has been given drugs by the sizzlers.
“merry Christmas my friend!” I say.
A clever reference, to the song of the moment -“Snoopy’s Christmas” which is either, the worst xmas song ever, or the best one.
“The babies good.’ I say proudly.
‘That’s great. Let’s go Tim. I need to buy. . . like the wind.’
And so she was gone, lest Christmas crash like a flaming biplane from WWI.

Laugh well

At the music section of the red box - a big man laughs.(me)
There is a CD titled. The 20 greatest Rock Songs Ever- VOL 2.
Volume two!?? Doesn’t that pretty much rain on the parade of volume one?
On the selection a couple of songs I would have been sure, would have made volume one.
‘Black Night’ by Deep Purple, a song with some of the coolest drum fills you have ever heard and ACDC’s homage to the all encompassing hangover
“It’s A Long Way To The Shop If You Want A Sausage Roll.”

Speaking of hangovers (‘the wrath of grapes’) I have met a few people this week who have been a little TOO jolly this season. With eyes the colour of Santa’s suit they have declared ‘only one sleep till Christmas’ around the 22nd of December and are keeping to their word.

I know theres some ocean around here somewhere"
"Dont worry. I know a shortcut!"


The cycle of birth and death continues this week and while our baby has failed to hold up it’s part of the birth end of the cycle the sorry spectacle of pilot whales beaching off our coast shows them doing their best for the death camp. But It’s absurd, why are they called pilot whales? They have little sense of direction. It reminds me of the scene at the green peace conference where someone is talking about dolphins..
“these beautiful animals are constantly being caught in these nets. It’s a tragedy made worse because they are such an intelligent creature. Some people say they are smart as humans”
Someone in the crowd yells out;
“If they’re so smart how come they get caught in the nets.”
The bloody pilot whale should be renamed ‘the blithering whale’ or the ‘aimless meandering whale’ or just ‘ken’s whale’ after our old friend once seen land-locked, floundering, deeply beached in his leather jacket outside the back of old Windsor Castle..
“He’s had four elephant beers to many. . .”

- Somewhere a little child waits..
And that somewhere is in the wife’s delectable mummy tummy.
Next week I may bring the happy news. But we are happy to wait.

Merry Christmas my friends!
( c. Royal Guardsman.1968 – Attr. Snoopy’s Christmas Best/worst song ever)