Election Final

16th September 2005

.................................ANOTHER GREEN WORLD:
.............THE FINAL EPISODE OF THE ELECTION TRILOGY
I am trying to imagine our brave new future under the Green party-
.............
Dolphins and Whales vie for attention off Mission Bay. There is no poverty. When a man walks into the supermarket to buy a potato, genetically modified so that it peels itself, he is wrestled gently to the ground by a benevolent mob and tickled into submission.
"Not on our watch my friend" they say.
Outside on the street, women with large breasts and men with an unfulfilled erections search in vain for a Hooters restaurant. There is a party going on at the local hall and beneath the unflattering glow of neon tubes, men with beards and women in muslin skirts kick up their heels, shamelessly intoxicated on organic feijoa wine. Marijuana is legal and letters to the editor are plagued by great "ideas" people have had the night before.
"why does THE MAN make us smoke cigarettes in tiny white tubes. It would be soooo much easier if we could just buy plastic bags full of smoke...."
Cyclists are everywhere. And jugglers. There is grave shortage of chip oil as cars have been converted to run on the new fuel. Our water is so pure Keith Richards flies in once a week for a glass.
Old journalists bemoan the insipid debate in parliament.
"We miss Rodney Hide. At least he was colourful!" They chant.
But when pressed, no one can remember exactly WHAT colour he was. Eventually Jane Clifton pulls out some felt tips and sets them all straight. He was a kind of puce color, with american spelling.

Meanwhile the Right Wing future is very different:
..............................

All the roads have been widened so that they can accommodate Hummers. It is the car of choice for small men with something to prove in the bedroom. Paul Homes has ordered a Sherman tank with leather seats and crush velvet trim. There is a special compartment for someones undies.
Fencing is the big growth business in the country. Now that people have more money in their wage packets they want to make sure no-one else can get any of it. Especially maoris.
www.bloodymaoris.co.nz is the biggest website in the country. People can go on there to discuss the problems with maori. Some people have never left.
A complaint was sent to the United Nations about the website but when the protest got to New York they found the UN was gone.
George Bush is our best new mate. We have his ear.
Apparently, he wants it back so he can go to the toilet. To hold up our end of the bargain, we have provided him with a list of innocent countries to invade that might have weapons of mass destruction but definitely have oil. Every kindergarten has a nuclear reactor and with a bit of work we should have got rid of that pesky ozone layer by lunchtime. Gerry Brownlee's smug grin has been declared the 'eighth wonder of the world', much to the chagrin of his long-suffering belly. It is on permanent display at the New Lynn Steakhouse.
What's that Noise?
It is Katherine Rich and Muriel Newman riding on a water cannon through the needy suburbs flushing out those on a sickness benefit. In a solemn ceremony the treaty of Waitangi has been burnt and our friends the americans are going to fire it into the far recesses of space. It is illegal to mention it and anyone who has actually read it is banned from speaking in parliament. Fortunately for the National Party none of them had. Their maori affairs spokesman was proud to admit that he learned most of his New Zealand history at the urinal at the pub. After changes to the haka were called for, the maoris took it back. A demand is made for the All Blacks pre-match display to represent the people who swept the national party into power. So now before the an All Blacks game they stand around a barbie in stubbies holding a beer can, moaning about the missus and talking about accounting.

So, there you have it. A fair headed, level appraisal of the two main positions. You can now make an informed choice. The options are clear. Swim with the dolphins or leave your undies in Paul Holmes new tank.
Do the right thing.